Paper 1
A)
Bolt Wins Gold
As the final for the 100 meter race prepares to start, I strongly believe that this race will be one for history.
BANG, the sound of the gun goes off and we see all of the racers start off. While some racers like Richard Tompson flew off the line at record breaking time, others like Usain Bolt, stumbled but managed to get a quick enough recovery to stay in the race. While Richard is still leading, we can see that Bolt is closing the lead, with his teammate Asafa, the previous record holder nowhere to be seen.
Even though these races tend to last around 10 seconds, this race seems like it is slowed down. The energy is different about this one in a great way, The crowd, the race and the energy is all perfect. This is history in the making, possibly a new record.
Towards the end of the race Bolt took the lead and once he knew that he was going to win, he started celebrating before the race ended Ultimately winning the race and taking the gold medal.
B)
When comparing my article to the bibliography that was written by usain bolt himself both means of talking about the same race are different. The article that I wrote had different form, structure and language.
While the form of the autobiography is very different as compared to the article that was written by me, there are some main differences between them. The autobiography is written in the first person. Referring to usains Bolt from his perspective, we can also see his thoughts, for example “Wow! How did he do that?!.” Usain also uses a first person perspective in his thoughts and he says “and then there was me” or “I glanced across the line.” On the other hand, my article is more describing what is going on in the race and not what Bolt is thinking. It is also not only describing the race but the stadium and the ambience around the stadium. My article is also written in the third person instead of the first person.
The structure of both forms of literature differ immensely, to start off, the autobiography has much longer paragraphs with one or two sentences in between them to describe the author, Usain Bolt's thoughts were through the race and him racing there is also a noticeable difference in how long the word count is, which my article being a lot shorter and more interesting to read while the bibliography is longer but has more factual information instead of it describing what is going on in the racers head. My article was more a third person account of the events and was structured in small paragraphs that were 1-3 sentences long and were meant to keep the reader more focused while reading the article since they are meant for short reads and to inform the reader without them getting bored of the same topic over and over again.
Lastly, the two articles differ a lot in their vocabulary where the article that was written by Usain bolt as an autobiography was more descriptive and formal of the thought process going through his mind and showing more emotion through it. For example, Usain wrote Oh man, oh man I’m gonna win this race! Showing excitement like we are living the moment with him by his side. On the other hand the writing in my article was more informal and quick, with showing some emotion like when I described how the stadium felt at the time of the race, saying that there was something weird about the race.
Hey Ricardo,
ReplyDeleteAO1- 3 marks. A clear understanding of the text and clear reference to characteristic features. I like how you started off with “As the final for the 100-meter race prepares to start” because it tells the audience that this is the last race that is shortly going to start. I also liked how you said in the third paragraph, “This is history in the making” which also gets the audience engaged on that there might be a new world record holder. You had a decent understanding of a wide variety of the text. However, I feel like the only thing that needs to be improved would be that you shouldn’t use the same words that were somewhat used in the text. Examples would be “BANG”, instead you could use other onomatopoeia words. I also feel like you could have structured the paragraphs a little more different as for the first paragraph, you only have one complete sentence for just one separate paragraph, which I understand that it could be the introduction, I feel like you could’ve combined the first and second paragraphs.
AO2- 3 marks. I like how you have a range for the audience to get them engaged. You have great sentences it is accurate to the text, such as explaining Asafa that he was “the previous record-holder” which makes the audience understand that he was the record holder. However, I feel like you should for the first sentence when you said “I strongly believe”, I just think it wasn’t necessary to put “strongly believe” in other words you could’ve added by saying “...this race could make history”. Overall it was great. Good job!
To start off, the way you described FORM was great. I liked how you used buzzed words such as “perspective” and “first person” that can get you points. I also liked how you used quotes from the text to back up your statement. I also liked how you described that differences clearly written on why the biography is in first person rather than yours being in third.
Structure- The way you described structure was great. As I’m looking at the answer key you got points for “use of one sentence paragraphs” which is amazing to have. The only thing is you kind of repeated yourself a little there in the second paragraph by still talking about how your newspaper was in third person, when you talked about that for form.
Language- Your description of language was great as well. I feel like when you quoted “Oh man, oh man…” you could’ve described the specific words more in depth. I also feel like you could’ve added a little bit more such as describing the verbs, adverbs, etc. Another suggestion would be that you could’ve added a little quote from your newspaper that described how yours was “more informal and quick”. Overall it was a great.
AO1- 3
AO3- low 3 (5 marks) Total of 8 marks.
(Shamus) Hello Ricardo,
ReplyDelete1(A):
AO1- For this segment, I would give you a 3. Your response was decent but here are some things that I think could use a little bit of improvement. In the beginning, I think you should have put something around the lines of the runners who seem motivated before the race they have been waiting for all their lives instead of “This race will be one for history.” I also feel like there was no need to separate it into paragraphs because the newspaper style is tight and compact in one big blog. While those things needed some improvement, there were some good things that you managed to incorporate here such as the use of sound words like “Bang.” This further enhanced your writing and I think that your conclusion was powerful as well.
AO2- This part of your work was strong. I would give this part a 4. Your paper was very effective as it did not have many errors in the writing, it also described how the energy was “perfect” and that “The race seemed slowed down.” All of this helps the reader feel the tension at the moment and this descriptiveness was truly amazing. Nice job Ricardo.
1(B):
AO1- This would earn a grade of a 3. You seemed to have a general understanding of this text. You knew that there were a lot of differences between your writing and the writing in the autobiography I just don’t think that you wrote enough to have a detailed understanding. Overall a decent job.
AO3- This part of your writing would get a 5. You did a great job of pointing out how his piece of writing was in the first person, while yours was in the third person. You also showed how he has a thought process and emotion right in front of him while as a journalist, you would not have that information. You also pointed out how the structure was different. In my opinion, though, spacing out your work for this question would have benefited you.
A) AO1: I give you a 3 for understanding of the text. It is obvious that you understand the chain of events that took place. However, the detail that you used, "The crowd, the race and the energy is all perfect" was unnecessary and also not mentioned in the text we read from. There was more to write about such as firsthand accounts from Bolt, which I noticed were not included in your writing. Even though you are writing as a reporter, you can still use firsthand accounts because most reporters interview people from the events they attend.
ReplyDeleteAO2: In terms of your writing, I give you a 2. There were many grammatical errors in your text such as too many commas and unnecessary capitalizations. Example: "The energy is different about this one in a great way, The crowd, the race and the energy is all perfect. This is history in the making, possibly a new record." Also, the diction in your writing could improve by diversifying your word choice. Next time you write, I suggest thinking about the sentence you are about to type in your head, break it down to the bare meaning. and try switching out words. Finally, your sentences were too abrupt such as, "This is history in the making, possibly a new record." if emotion was what you were going for, I would try using ellipsis points. However, if you would like to expand your sentences (which will get your word count up and make it seem like you understand the text more) I would try writing "The race that I have experienced today will certainly go down in history! With Bolt's haste, he might have just set a new record." Again, I think the biggest problem with your writing is you not thinking about the form of your sentences/diction before you write.
B) AO1: I give you a 3 for understanding. You described the autobiography as "formal" when it is very casual, as it contains his raw thoughts. However, your description of "informal and quick" for your writing was correct.
AO3: Overall, I give your writing a 6/10. Your diction and structure needs improvement. The main issue is not going over what you have written to make sure what you are writing makes sense and the diction is not too repetitive. However, your writing slightly improved in part b, which is great!