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Sometimes you see someone walking down the street, and the moment you see their eyes they speak so much to you. It can either be in a good happy way or a sad or scared dull way. I am one of those people. You see, I used to be such a happy child and I was always smiling and ready to make new friends and talk, but suddenly something in my life changed. I went from living in a city full of people and my parents told me we were going to a new city. This early developing city was relatively new and we decided to buy a house in the estates, pretty far from where most of the city is.
When we first arrived at our new house, I always thought something was off about it. Even though it was new and state of the art, something about it never seemed right to me. My room was as small as a sardine tin but it did have a sliding door, facing a forest in our huge backyard. When I walked in, I immediately got the chills and I had a feeling that it was because of that dark, mysterious forest. As I got used to the shift in lifestyle, I actually started to grow into the place, I mean it was a little small and far from everything, but it just made it more fun and interesting. Everything was new, a new school, new friends, and a new me I thought. Little did I know, I would have hated everything that stupid house did to me.
It was a monday, we had the day off and my classmate and I made plans to see each other. He finally got to my house at around 5:30 and we planned to have a sleepover and stay up late all night. When he first got here, we went to play around until dark, but while we were playing ball in the backyard, he accidentally threw it into the woods. When I went to go get the ball, he chased me in and said “Tag your it.” Just the thought of these eerie woods surrounding me all over the place as it got darker and darker. Eventually, I lost track of my friend so I slowed down and I quickly realized how eerie the forest looked.
It was hard to see more than 10 feet in front of me, but there was a lot of noise coming around from all over, from crickets chirping and leaves crunching around me like I was being followed. When I looked back, all I would see was a shadow and behind me in the distance I would hear my friend calling my name. This put me into a panic mode, I was being followed by someone…or something. I had to find my friend and I had to get out of here but getting out of this forest was like finding a needle in a haystack.
The forest suddenly got too quiet, like something happened. I also noticed that my friend wasn't calling my name out anymore. The forest also changed, it felt barren and scared. You could see the sad, gloomy emotions on the trees that were coated with humidity. Passing a strange dark clearing, all I could see in the middle was a hat. A red trucker hat with the words Moes Trucking on it. The weirdest thing about this is that, this was my friends hat, but only the hat was there, and nothing else. Looking around the last thing I saw was 2 shadows leaving the woods, one dragging a small lifeless body away. When I realized what had happened, I turned around and ran as fast as I could, almost running into a tree and just as the woods started clearing into my backyard, I could hear something behind me chasing me. I ran as fast as I could into my door, and when I made it I told my mom what happened. The eerie thing is that the body or the hat has never been found. What really changed my life though after this was when I came back to the house years later, and when I was in the backyard I heard someone calling. It was my friend, so I ran into the house again and when I checked out through the window. There it was, The same hat that I saw, still in the same condition, I could also see a dark shadow running back into the forest quickly.
Hey Ricardo,
ReplyDeleteFor the first bullet point, I would give this a level 3. The reason why is because you did have a clear expression and a range of language, but you had some complex structures and some less common lexis.
For the second bullet point, I would give this a very low 2. The reason why is because you had frequent errors. Examples would be “It was a monday”, here you forgot to capitalize the “m”. Another example would be “There it was, The same hat that I saw…” Here you forgot to lowercase the “t”. There were also occasional errors of misused of commas and where you could’ve added commas.
For the third bullet point, I would give this a level 4. The reason why is because all of his thoughts and ideas were not just unique, but also creative and was also interesting to read throughout his paper.
For the fourth bullet point, I give this a level 3. The reason why is because you did achieve the task, and the content is relevant, but I feel like you could’ve been more descriptive of the man and what kind of noises did you hear rather than saying “there was a lot of noise coming around from all over”.
For the last bullet point, I give this a level a level 3. You did get the audience addressed.
Overall, you get a 15/25. Level 3. Good job.
There is an effective expression with a range of language. It is seen when you describe the setting and the characters within it. An example of this is "from crickets chirping and leaves crunching around me like I was being followed" shows the language usage and expression in your blog. There are minor errors, such as commas within sentences whenever describing a subject with multiple adjectives simultaneously. The text is structures and logically organized with ideas that are developed within each. The task is achieved with relevant content.
ReplyDelete3/3 good shit
I give your blog a 17/25
DeleteHi.
ReplyDeleteOn the AO2 scale, I would award you with 9/25 marks. For expression, I felt it was your biggest flaw. I found that your sentences seemed to be unpurposefully drawn on. For example when you had said, “This early developing city was relatively new…” early development already entails that it is new so there's no need to say it twice. Another example is when you had said, “...but while we were playing ball in the backyard, he accidentally threw it into the woods. When I went to go get the ball…” The usage of the pronoun “it” instead of repeatedly saying “ball” would have made your sentence structure more concise and just as effective, allowing for more content for a more developed and detailed piece of writing as a whole. More concise sentences make it seem as if your lexical choices are more advanced so I would recommend trying this on the next one.
I didn't find frequent errors, however I did find occasional ones. This brought the score up from the initial 6. I would say that the organization and ideas are limited due to how repetitive it is. This can easily be brought up by following the recommendations I had in the first paragraph. Other than these, I place all other marking scheme points at a level 2.